Originally both my husband and I contributed monetarily to our household.  However now It’s mainly me.  We used to kinda share in the responsibilities or raising our kids.  Now it’s mostly the Man.  This is very hard for me.  I find myself not feeling like I fit in at home.  I’m that person that comes in the door right after the 3rd episode of Sponge Bob has ended.

I think we should have pushed for equal rights and stopped there.  We didn’t need to flood the work place.  We should have just exercised our rights to never have to work outside the home.  Some of us still do that.  However men got smart.  They realized the awesomeness of being at home and shaping our children.  They found out that Oprah comes on at 4 pm central time.  They realized that they get a shitload of attention purusing the aisles of the supermarket with kids in tow.  They’ve taken over where our ovaries left off.  We’re doomed!

This isn’t to say that I don’t like working.  This is just me saying that we really fucked up by letting the Men know our secrets.  I’m not saying that staying home and raising children isn’t hard.  I know that it is.  I’m simply saying that we’ve given up our claim to the “tag you’re it!” the “not it” the notorious finger on the nose first gets you out of it sham.  We can’t go back either.  Men are finding out that they’re pretty good at this parenting thing.  That once they’ve got it down, they’ve got it down to a T, and things start to run themselves while they prop up their feet and relax a little.  And as they’re relaxing, us idiots of women are hanging out in rush hour traffic and eating lunch in our cubicles.

I only wish that I had called “not it” before my man realized that he could do a better job at being a patient and loving parent.

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I’m not really but that’s what my husband thinks.He’s told me time and time again sexually I’m selfishI won’t deny thisThe lesbian part I willHe thinks because I don’t get particularly turned on by the sight of flaccid or intimidatingly taut penis I must be a lesbian.Here’s the thing all guys should know.Now maybe this is just me but I don’t think so,the penis is not attractiveIt’s creepy looking.To be honest if one popped out of my closet at night or peeked out from under my bed I’d piss myself and run screaming like a bitchEven dressed down with out it’s furrow of mammoth hair it’s still not an attractive sight.

The only thing about a penis that draws me in and allows me to drop my panties is the idea of a good screw. Seriously! Otherwise keep it covered!

Now this being said I’ve never once thought that my party parts were attractive, they shouldn’t be put on display or worshiped.They have multiple functions and only one of them is pleasingThat would be the screwing partWell I guess producing crotch fruit… but I take that thought back often when the little mini me’s monopolize the TV or my computerOh and when they eat all the chipsSave me some now and again you little twits!

Now the sexually selfish part is something I can’t get over. Sex isn’t sex if at least one person involved does not climax.That one person is me. Here’s the thing, guys masturbate all the time. They do! Girls do only every once in awhile. I’m not going to say I don’t that would be a lie. I’ve been married 9 years However I feel since I don’t jingle my junk numerous times a week that my needs should be met first and then if there’s time you can do what you gotta do while I organize my thoughts and think of something to eat. This is not to say I’m uninvolved. I usually always get the party started. I have my fun then I’m ready to call it a night. Not my fault you’re a lingerer!
Just saying.

So yes I’m selfish and the penis is not attractive. Those are facts and they don’t make me something I’m not! I’d work on these apparent horrible attributes but I like the way I am. And to the Man, you married me you’re stuck with me! Don’t think I won’t chase your ass down if you try to leave! I’ll send my mini me’s out to get you!

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This morning at the gas station I was again embarrassed by my crotch fruit when they started to chase each other around threatening to sniff the others butt.  Why?

Moses got her hair cut yesterday, looks adorable.  Fifi thought about getting her hair cut but she likes her long locks and thinks long hair is pretty.  In the car after the hair cut, Fifi told Moses that she still was pretty even though she cut her hair off.  I’m pretty sure she didn’t think Moses was pretty she just wanted to be nice.

Oh god I have to share this, the were in the pool earlier and we had the hose in there to fill up what had been splashed out.  Of course they decided to grab the hose and spray their party parts.  Yelling for the other to come get their butt appointment… WTF?!  The man stayed out of it and promptly went inside.  Thanks bro, I just turned off the hose and ruined their fun.  Little Nasties!

You know when you buy really quality shirt, nice fabric, pretty colors, and your realize you were such and idiot because they all say hand wash or dry clean?  Yeah I’m pretty pissed at myself.  I’ve been trying to find ways not to take things to the dry cleaner.  Not that I have recently but I hate the smell of dry cleaned clothes.  I only took my BDU’s a few times and the one time I took my blues they came back discoloured and smelling like BO.  Not to say I don’t sweat, I do!  Just not enough to ruin my clothes.  Actually little disclaimer here, I don’t sweat, I perspire!

We’re about to go and BBQ, we’re just waiting for the sun to start sliding away.  I love warm evenings but try to stay inside between the hours of 4 and 7.  That hateful Texas sun!

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Monday we established new rules in our house.  The girls push their dad around too much and have gotten really mouthy lately.  So mommy had to come home and be the heavy.  Don’t dads usually do that?  Not my man, he doesn’t like to upset his girls.  I understand that and I hope that they realize how lucky they are that they have a dad who is concerned about their happiness and mental well being.  Anyway, they have been taking advantage of him.  Not cleaning up after themselves, demanding he does things for them rather than asking, in general they’ve been really rude and disrespectful.  So I took away TV, video games, access to the computer and implemented new rules.  They don’t like them and have been fighting them but hey that’s what you do right?!

Initially I took the TV away for a day and told them they couldn’t watch TV until the next day at 1.  I should have specified Am or Pm.  Moses got up at 1 in the Am and went out and watched TV.  When the Man found her she told him that I told her that she could watch TV at 1.  He found out that I did not specify morning or afternoon and let her watch TV.  We both couldn’t stop laughing at her ability to find the loophole in everything.

Oh one more thing, I got these shoes at Nordstroms the other day and they had to ship them to me since they didn’t have them in stock.  So they arrived today but they went to one of our neighbors house.  Of course I had just gotten home and changed out of my “Grown Up” clothes and into a skimpy dress.  One you shouldn’t bend over in.  Anyway I had to keep the dogs from going out the front door and get the shoes at the same time.  So yeah, I bent over to grab one dog and reached for the shoes at the same time.  He got a good show… if you could call it a show.  Seriously there isn’t much to show.  Crap I have nothing to show.  though I do have a few bras that I would like to thank for creating an illusion.

That’s it all I’ll be doing some catching up on my favorite blogs again hopefully I can make it through them all by tomorrow night.  You all better have some juicy content up for me to read.  It’s been awhile for me.

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Alot of really great things have happened this week.  The man finally got his disability rating from the military.  All for his crazies.  He got a new doctor as well and he gets to see her in a week.  I got a job, moved on from the military and well, feel like crap.

That’s the problem when too many good things happen at once, you shart!  No really you’re waiting to get on base to finish out processing, get terrible tummy cramps, lift a cheek and pass a little gas to alleviate your tummy pain and WALAFUCKING WAH!  I had to pull over and run into McDonald’s.  It was horrible, but as I told my husband in text, “my ass won’t stop me from out processing!”  I have food poisoning as it turns out.  I’ve been hanging out in the bathroom for the last few days.  I ate like 30 bananas today.  I feel better.  I felt good enough to go to Nordstroms that is. 

That’s all for now, I’m going to lay down for a while.  My stress is pretty much gone and I’m very excited to start my new job on Monday, I may be more excited to get to wear nice girl clothes. 

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I guess I think I’ve already made a mess of my crotch fruit.  Thank god my fruit bowl seems to be empty.  We don’t want me messing up anymore children.  To be perfectly honest I just don’t think I’ve done a great job at being a good example for my kids to follow.  I don’t want them yelling at each other, yet I take every opportunity to yell at them.  I don’t like them being rude to me or their father, and sometimes I find myself being rude or impatient.  How can I expect them to be sweet when I’m not?  I find it sad that there isn’t some way I can be absolutely right in one aspect of my life in which I think is the most important.  Why is it so hard to be a perfect parent?

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OK for reals, I’ll know for sure by next week if I have a job.  ALL OF YOU CROSS YOUR FINGERS!  I’m serious!  Otherwise we’ll be in for a terrible year.  I’ll be forced to turn tricks in the WalMart parking lot.  Don’t you dare think of taking my parking space!!!

I’m not even going to apologize for not posting, it’s hot and this summer weather has forced me to stay either in the pool or inside squarely beneath a vent.  I have a spot that allows me to watch TV and scream loudly at anyone who leaves the back door open.  To include Leilah the Cow dog.  Who by the way beat my ass up yesterday.  Here’s what went down.  I was making my way for the back door and the Cow dog tried to beat me there.  She instead got in my way and I lost my footing.  In less than a second I had to decide which way to turn my body because I was going down there was no stopping this force of nature.  I tried to go to my side thinking I could spare myself the pain of the tile.  The Cow decided to be helpful, she might have been trying to break my fall but instead she sat straight up and helped me land my chin directly onto her enormous forehead.  So now I have a bruised chin.  It still hurts quite badly and we’re so not friends anymore.  OK we’re still friends but I’m not happy with her.

That’s all for now.  I’ll get back to you all about the job.

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Moses and her boyfriend are back together.  Apparently he dumped her earlier in the year but wanted to make sure there was something still there before the end of the school year and asked her if she still loved him.  She does.  Which reminds me, my first boyfriend was my neighbor.  Things soured between us when he told on me for playing with matches and his sister told on me for bringing a dead mouse to school.  My next boyfriend was in third grade, I made him show everyone his penis.  I didn’t look though, grossed me out.  I even made him stick a paper clip in a light socket at school.  He did all this for love.  The next boy I loved was in 5th grade while I was in 4th.  He had a butt chin and tried to make out with me.  I remember thinking his lips were ugly and wondering if he got fuzz stuck in his chin.  Yeah… we didn’t last.  I broke up with him by Joe Martins Stadium because he told his friends that I was a bad kisser.  We never kissed.  He had ugly lips!!!

I had many more little loves after that but for the most part they weren’t memorable.  Well except for one or two.  But those were for reasons I care not to discuss here.  Plus my husband reads this.  I’m sure he wouldn’t be enthralled to read about that.  Now that I think of it, I was a really mean girlfriend.  I never treated any of my boyfriends nicely.  NEVER!  Well except my husband but before we were together I caused him so many problems in his relationship.  I was horrible.  He was mine though and I knew it.  I just had to make him see it.

Oh geez I have to share this, I really was a horrible person.  I dated this one guy from another school for 2 months just to have a date to prom… for some reason most guys didn’t like me in school or they were afraid to ask me out.  Anyway, he wasn’t my type.  He was too pale for one thing.  He was nice though.  So for two months we went out every weekend.  I told him I didn’t believe in kissing before marriage.  Liar liar pants on fire!!!  He had ugly lips and a squishy nose.  I don’t like squishy noses.  So we made it to prom and then I stopped answering his phone calls.  He had friends at my school who had some how gotten ahold of one of my cheerleading pictures and defiled it.  They put it in my locker.  I thought it was pretty funny and taped it to the front of my locker.  I looked good with horns!

That’s all for tonight.  I’m off to scour the Internet for porn.  No I’m kidding… am I?

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4 repairmen later (A/C) after hot nights since Saturday, my A/C is fixed.  That little guy that came out, the not hot one, actually broke it himself.  After that I called them out three more times. Twice in one day.  Until finally two men came and fixed it all.  Now my house is cool.  I had sent my kids to a friends last night just so that they could sleep comfortably.  Me and the man hung out outside with the dogs since it was cooler outside than inside.  We eventually went to bed.  It was odd having the girls away overnight.  I’ve never been away from Fifi that long.  This was Mo’s second sleep over and Fifi’s first.  They were only two blocks away so that helped.  I did give us time to act out our wildest desires… OK we had sex and neither of us felt the need to keep our voices down.

My computer is dead-ish.  As in I have 7 hard drives not working.  They hate me.  So the man has to share his.

I’m also in the middle of a huge decision.  Life changing.  Really cool, really really really cool.  I’ll let you all know more about that later.  I’ll give you a hint sort of.  Not in this country.  That’s all you get.  You can try and guess but I won’t tell you anything until it’s a sure thing.  I’ll be doing my usual rounds this evening.  I hate missing out on what others have to say.  I feel so out of touch.

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So from now on when I mow, I’ll run into you’re sorry ass!  I’ll even pay all the neighborhood dogs in bones just piss on you!  You stupid piece of junk!  You’re just lucky that the last repairman was flipping HOT!  I’m not kidding, I considered bringing him ice tea on a tray while wearing a bikini, only my thighs jiggled and those heels blistered my toes before I could even step outside.  Instead I watched him from my bedroom window.  Yes… I waaaaatched him.  God he was HOT!  The next guy better be just as hot or you’re toast.  I mean it you expensive little twit TOAST!

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